Word Stack or A Pile of Thoughts

I’ve resorted to watching lectures by UC Berkeley professors and instructors on YouTube and listening to podcasts of more lectures from their website.  It’s keeping me afloat amidst the last leg of dilapidated lessons spewing from the classrooms that I’ve learned to avoid. 

Happy Valentine’s to everyone, both IRL and out there on the internet where "Men are men, women are men, and 12-year old girls are FBI agents."  The season reminds me of the line from "Rent" that gets repeated in two or three songs: "Connection in an isolating age." I think it’s an apt phrase to describe the state of human relationships today. 

In looking at our ideas about relationships, it is immediately apparent that there is so much material going around about love and how to find it, how to make it work, what to do with it, how to repair it etc.  The question of relationships is probably the most popular preoccupation of my generation, that’s to say, people in my age group.  Just listen to the CHR programming on any day of the year, Valentine’s or not: the subject is almost always about human relationships.  Moreover, a glance at some of the defining stories of this generation, such as The Matrix, Harry Potter, Heroes, Samurai X– almost anything in the popular imagination– there is some tie-in to the theme of love.  I didn’t know what to think when I read the end of the Dark Materials Trilogy (actually, after THAT part, i stopped reading, because it felt lame). It wouldn’t be too far off the mark to say that it’s a collective obsession.

From the biological standpoint, its easily explained: the second most important drive in an organism, after survival, is reproduction.  Since humans reproduce sexually, the question of relationships is of primary concern.  Okay, hats off to the scientists.  But the interesting thing is that the exploration of the concept of human relationships can’t be reduced to just that.  Because, like a lot of things human, we have to attach meaning to function.  And that’s where things get interesting.  A friend of mine said it was crazy, to think there’s so much mythos and philosophy surrounding what essentially amounts to hormonal reactions.  I think she’s right, but I want to make the distinction (which she left out in her ranting over the fact) that we don’t want to attach a negative connotation to that point, as if the whole culture of relationships is something "wrong" for what should be taken as something as just another biological function.

On another tack– veering so clumsily away from the paragraph above without any sort of finesse whatsoever– the interpretation and analysis of human romances can never quite match the experience.  Although I’ve (thanks to a healthy dose of Spanish Inquisitionish self-torture) reached the point of being happily single, I still can’t shake the idea that being in a relationship with someone is ultimately a better state of being ALIVE than being alone.  Any activity I could enjoy, I could enjoy more if the right person was around to share the experience.  The key phrase there is "right person". 

With regards to this question, I’ve learned something: that the "right person"  isn’t necessarily the same as the perfect person, or even the person who just knocks me down with her, umm, whatever it is she smashes me with (charm? intelligence? beauty? wit? sensitivity? whatever…); rather, its about just ending up with that person.  From a faith standpoint, it’s the idea that if you seek the kingdom of God first, then He’ll take care of the partner issue.  It makes sense, not just from the view of a Christian, but in a secular perspective as well.  In other words, you find the person you want to be with because you simply just end up together, and not because you go out picking up chicks at bars or asking out classmates or activity partners.  Because really, if the choice of partner is based on something as superficial as personality, or charm, or attractiveness, or "romantic feelings" or whatever else people use as standards, then it’s quite easily pointed out that 1) these attributes in a person change and 2) there’s always someone out there who’s going to be better (better looking, more intelligent, more sensitive, whatever).   A lasting, meaningful and fulfilling relationship is based on something more sturdy than personal preferences (even genetic predispositions aren’t reliable, because our genes don’t choose; rather, they give a set of minimum standards that an entire range of people will fit– hence the proverbial "love map").  What this something is, I cannot yet define; and its bothersome to ask more experienced, happily-married couples, and get the reply "We just knew."  It’s interesting to note that this has been the one constant answer I’ve received from people who have been happily married for over twenty years. 

But this week, I’m cruising along like every other week.  Cheers for those of you who have nice Valentine’s day plans waiting for you with your partner, and i’m sorry for those of you whose Valentine’s days are either going to be too simple– because your home alone watching Rob Schneider movies– or too complicated to be any fun.

Top Ten Moments:

10) CYF Retreat, 2nd Year: Sitting on the mountainside all night, counting 38 shooting stars, then watching the sunrise.

9) AUDC/International Student Conference, 2nd Year: Solo-tripping Singapore and Hong Kong.

SUSG, 3rd Year: Pissing off the student legislative council by camping outside their hall.

7) Acquaintance Party, 1st Year: Going wild and dancing like crazy to the shock of as-yet uninitiated classmates.

6) Campus Grounds, 1st Year: Free-running and jumping from the second floor of the AS building, as well as from the wall of the Luce Auditorium.

5) San Jose, 4th Year: Driving out late at night to sit on the seawall and look at the waves.

4) SU Hall Speech Choir Finals, 1st Year: Creeping around the haunted building, getting scared, then spooking other students.

3) COM RM 1, COM-15, 1st Year: First day of class and introductions.

2) Daro, 1st Year: Jian’s birthday, brought water-guns

1) Uncle Jed’s House, 1st & 2nd Years: Dungeons and Dragons, the Demongate Campaign!

Top Ten Songs

10) Let’s Get Retarded, Black Eye Peas

9) Carmina Burana, by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Sugod, by Sandwich

7) Trip, by 6Cyclemind

6) The Internet is for Porn, from the musical Avenue Q

5) Scotty Doesn’t Know, by Lustra

4) Always with Me, Always with You, by Joe Satriani

3) HeroHeroine, by Boys Like Girls

2)La Vie Boheme, from the musical Rent

1) No Day but Today, from the musical Rent

Top Ten Inside Jokes

10) "Guys? Anyone want lotion?"

9) "Dude, I can eat ice cream with my hands…"

"Botch-queen!"

7) "Ako si Kalaw, at eto ang aking kasama, si Manok… intinaas ang mahiwagang bolo at ako’y naging SI LAPU-LAPU! ANG KAGITINGAN NG PINOY!

6) "Sing for me, Leon…" "WTF??!!" "PERFORM!"

5) Stop being so STUPID!

4) "Madame chair, the charch will move the people…"

3) "SINONG TATAY MO!!?"

2)"Oh yes, of course…" *insert patting with handkerchief*

1)"Huuuurrrrrggghh!

Top Ten Animals

10) Mike’s Dead Cat in a Trashcan

9)
Chimera of Al-Jaza’Ir
Ren & Stimpy

7) Julian Soler

6) Cheeto’s

5) Gir

4) Boaroth the Foul

3) Boo-Boo Bear

2) The flying-foxes at the Singapore Night Safari

1) Pasha, the Kangaroo Dog

Top Ten Places

10) Dumaguete Apartelle

9) Guy Hall

Kyosko’s

7) Hayahay

6) Dumaguete Airport Runway

5) Roof of the AS Building

4) Wasawas Residence

3) MassCom Sala

2) SU DebSoc Office

1) Uncle Jed’s House

Top Ten Food

10) Calamares at Hayahay

9) Pizza at the Italian aviator guy’s place

Neva’s Pizza

7) Hayahay marguerita pizza

6) Tempura Level 5

5) Bosing peanuts

4) Cheesebread

3) German potatoes

2) every birthday party at Jian’s

1) Primy’s Chicken Masala

Top Ten Drinks

10) San Mig Light

9) San Mig Strong Ice

DM’s Brew

7) Schnapp’s

6) Ballantine’s

5) Guinness

4) Tanduay Rum

3) Red Horse

2) Oettinger’s Bier

1) Dragonbelly

Top Ten Movies

10) Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

9) Sin City

Madagascar

7) Appleseed

6) 7 Samurai

5) Star Wars

4) Rent: The Movie

3) Pulp Fiction

2) The Godfather

1) 300

Top Ten Games

10) Tekken V

9) Halo Multiplayer

Silent Scope

7) Command and Conquer 3

6) Burnout Legends

5) Counterstrike Source

4) Oblivion

3) Warhammer 40k: Dawn of War

2) World of Warcraft

1) Dungeons and Dragons

Top Ten Books

10) History of Communication in the Philippines, Crispin Maslog

9) Blink, Malcolm Gladwell

The Order of Things, Michel Foucault

7) The Silence of the Lambs, Thomas Harris

6) The Republic, Plato

5) Einstein’s Dreams, Alan Lightman

4) To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee

3) The Second Sex, Simone de Beauvoir

2) Existentialism is a Humanism, Jean Paul Sartre

1) All the D&D Core Rulebooks

Takbochidos is my character on WoW.  I just need some place to store my talent builds for future reference.

Combat Swords
Ambush Assassin

Cheers.  If anyone is interested, visit the BurningWoW website, the server I’m playing on.  If you’re rolling an Alliance character, good luck to you, we’re outnumbered 5:1.  If you’re Horde, watch your back, because my rogue hunts blood elves on a regular basis.

I am becoming increasingly convinced that as long as the ones teaching are the products of their own lessons, education will go nowhere.

It was a classic game of Russian Roulette
but for the target beneath the revolver’s barrel
she held it
.44 Smith & Wesson, shiny and cold
to his heart
and she smiled when she pulled the trigger

Click
A dry sound, that may as well have been the shattering thunder
he could do nothing.  She leaned over,
gracing him with a kiss,
a sweet kiss that held every promise
from lips that would never be his

Click
She laughed at his torment
He closed his eyes and hoped for the end
She touched him then, she pressed herself against him
and he felt the warmth of her melt through her dress

Click
The barrel pressed to his heart
She felt its feeble flutter and she looked into his eyes
Like so many times before
she saw his pleading, his asking, his words
But this was her game

Bang.

I hate routine.  I hate the constant grinding, the way the days blur into each other, like different colored Play-Doh mashed together until all that’s left is a mound of shit-brown. 

Lately, it seems like things have been this way; there’s nothing new, nothing exciting happening.  The few events which provide precious breathing holes in the flood of boredom (VUDC, Senior Ball) are spaced at tortuous distance from each other, and in between, one has to put up with inane teachers, pointless requirements, and that frustrating cycle of breakfast-lunch-dinner of the same food, in the same house, in the same town, with the same people over and over again. 

It’s driving me nuts.

What places this situation in sharp relief is the added fact that I’m almost done here.  In a couple month’s time, I’ll be graduating and then it’ll be the flurry of activity getting all my stuff together to move out on my own (thank goodness, to a place on the opposite end of the world!).  But until that point, I have to make my way through the final gauntlet of mind-numbing inanity. 

"The best way to torture a kender is to put it in an empty room that cannot be opened with a lockpick." 

Of course, the best way to torture anyone else is to lock them up with the kender.

I attended a lecture yesterday by Ian Casocot, concerning blogs and their impact on literary activity.  The byline of the talk was "Exploding the Frontiers of Literature", which I thought was rather agreeable, because if anything has been able to capture the slough of humanity, both garbage and gold, it’s the collective of personal blogs in cyberspace.  It’s like one of the ultimate dreams of humanism as ideology, that every person be afforded the same space for expression and the equal opportunity to be heard. 

Ideologies aside, I think that’s a great thing, that no matter who a person is or what that person is writing about, the material is out there, side-by-side with everyone else’s.  It’s freedom, it’s expression,

But there is also a disturbing, political trend that is creeping into the blogosphere.  I can smell it, and I think that its a threat to the freedom of the blogger.  In the real world, we tend to categorize people in terms of a certain hierarchy, levels of and classes, stereotypes.  It’s immediately assumed that if x person is from y place, then x person is likely to be z type personality.

The same is becoming (or already has become) true for blogs.  If I blog on Friendster, I’m assumed to be writing angsty teenage self-absorbed rants; if I were on Blogspot, I’d be much more mature and intellectual. 

This sort of thing can probably be proven statistically; but so what?  The individual is not a statistic.  And it doesn’t make logical sense to assume that a blogger is less interesting because they’re on a particular blog page rather than another.

I could publish my blog on Blogspot or Wordpress, and advertise myself to the world as part of that inner circle, that clique of sophisticates (whether that empirically exists or not).  But no, I’m staying here, on Friendster, together with the angsty teenagers and love-sick preteens (whether there’s any validity to that claim or not). 

My blog is my performance space, and judge me not by where I put that space, but rather what I express on it.

Out of the desert, there are many tales that seem to have lost their beginnings and whose ends are nowhere to be found. 

The Tua’Reg speak of a traveler, a man who came from a distant kingdom, possessed by a demon. Some say he was an exile, banished for his transgressions; others say he was nejef, a sorcerer, a conjurer of the mysterious arts, overtaken by the dark powers he consorted with.  None were certain, but the very old who claim they saw him with their own eyes remember the sensation of evil that radiated from the stranger, and the shadows that followed the wanderer’s steps. 

Though the tribe hid from him in fear, the elders soon learned that the demon had no intention of doing them harm, and came to the wanderer in pity.  He uttered no word, and drank their water and ate their food, and was silent for thirteen nights.

Then, as the sun rose, a sandstorm descended upon Tua’Reg.  The tribesmen took shelter within their huts, only to turn and peer into the darkness that had fallen. The storm howled and the sun was gone behind the furious veil of sand.  They heard the demon-possessed man yelling into the wind, and the women shut their ears against his spell. 

Silence fell, a black silence, the absence of sound deafening in its embrace.  The few who still watched saw the man falter, as the sand swirled around him.  Then all was still, the sand falling like rain around them.  In the village, all was still and dark, yet the storm whirled around them, as if a wall of sand encircled their world, shutting off both light and sound.  The men of the tribe crossed themselves, and watched and waited.

A woman came, walking out of the sandstorm as if emerging from the pool of an oasis.  Her hair was the color of night, her eyes deep and radiant.  In one hand, she carried a scarf of the sheerest black silk, and in the other, a dagger made from the light of the desert moon.  And in the silence, the men heard music.  The stranger, kneeling in the piled dust, looked up at the woman, and she began to move, dancing in darkness.  She danced to the ever-shifting rhythm of the desert sands, she danced to the song of the scorpions and the stars.  She wove a cloak of shadows around the demon-possessed man, and the music was silent, and the Tua’Reg found that the day had turned to night, and the sandstorm, the woman and the stranger had all but disappeared.

This is not a poem.  This is me letting out how I feel about things in this world. 

Combat struggle conflict war endless

Draw the string across the bow music to ears

The striking of a drum in the jungle

The cries of a lost child

Into oblivion

now

Swords will rear empty space pierced by

light across the expanse a mirror upon mirror eternal

An afterimage of the night, a soul ripped from its flesh

the beating heart the jungle drum

that rattle of gunfire

that refuses denial

BECAUSE MAN

WILL BE

victorious.

A touch of death no different

from a touch of peace.

now

Not so much an issue of "racism" as it is an issue of differences in expectations perhaps.  What I’d like to see is an explanation for why Asian standards and measures for "good debate" are not part of the World standards and measures for "good debate".  Why should American, Australian and European debate be considered as predominant (in the sense that it’s used as the World standard) to Asian standards?

All I want is an explanation, everyone deserves that.